After a While, I've Decided This Blog is Closer to the Heart than Tumblr is to Me

A late night musing;

I realized that horrible things were when I went to junior high. I was bullied, labeled odd simply because I like odd things -- which weren't that odd really. I spoke three languages and reaaaally love anime and manga. It's a common thing nowadays, but wasn't when I was in junior high so it was considered odd. I wore a torso brace, I drew a lot, and so on. I had a lot of people wanting to humiliate me without particular reason, simply because they see me eligible to be humiliated. Being odd and handicapped were passable reasons to humiliate me.

But I realized that how much the adults there realize that I don't have to be smart in numbers or in academical reports. Sure yes, sometimes they worried about it, but they understood that I have talents in subjects not a lot of people ace. They let me do my thing, they gave me outlets, mediums, sent me to galleries, art festivals, speech conference, linguistic study tour and so on. They knew I just have to find a place I can develop myself and they gave me that place. I was lucky and grateful to find such place and such people, supportive people, the teachers. They would listen to my nonsensical cries over sheer obsession or ambition. They would listen to my imperfect theories. They understood.

Also, I'm so lucky to found friends, best friends who stay with me until today. We went through a lot, bad things, good things, fights, laughs, cries, vacations, plans, discussions -- basically experience life together. We found shelter from the bullies, carelessly played after school, grew up together, even separated, we were still together in a sense. It was amazing to have found and stay with these people.

I should say that, things aren't always bad back then in junior high. I selected to completely erase my bitter experience with the bullies from my memory, but I will always, no matter what, keep the good things stored.

COME BACK POST -- Spilled Out My Effing Beans

Okay so it's like a year right now? I know I've moved most of my activities to tumblr but somehow I don't want this blog to die. This blog really sees through what I want people to see from my perspective, while tumblr.... Well... Tumblr is more like the fangirly side of me and how I see things in a fangirly way. This blog is an actual, genuine, Amanda Saragih, or MIU, or Manzo, which ever names you know me by. So I don't want this to die and from now on I'm gonna make a promise to myself that I will blog like I used to because I still know that I love sharing what makes me happy to the world and I don't wanna lose that.

So, this blog stopped posting... Around October or November 2011. So it's exactly one year! Yay! And a lot of things happened to me by then. I went through my hell of a final year in college, I got immersed in tumblr madness (which documented most of my activities during 2012), I tried to brave myself doing covers on YouTube and it got me to the brony musician fandom. It let me to met some great, fun bunch. Some may think otherwise but they were the best people I bumped in online community, I graduated with average score which devastate me a lot. I haven't been mentally well for the past years, mostly from the stress of internship and thesis for final years and I have to juggle that student kind of life and death situation. I think I repressed me to the point that I didn't give my best academic wise. But let bygones be bygones now, I have a different problem.

What I enjoy the most is being artsy of course but... I don't think my parents want that. I talked to my best friend's Mom who never had an artist-pursuing children or artist family so the path I took kinda confuses her as well but when I talked to her it kinda give me an insight of what my parents want from me. An ordinary desk office woman, who goes to work from 9 and home by 6. I'm pretty sure that's what they want from me because that's what they see in their other children. Me? I want to publish my artwork. They don't seem to... I don't know. They gave me ideas and tell me to do things, but then... They tell me the exact opposite. It's confusing. It has been going for years. One of the reason I took Arts Management course is to ease their worry, so if I'm not gonna work as an artist, I can still have that desk job.

I came to have no guts and confidence over my artistic skills and mostly I'm so afraid because if I fail, my parents are gonna blame me. Sometimes I do wish I was more like my cousins. They became actual doctors, vet, police officer, lawyer, or at least have a desk job. I know other people aren't that perfect but whenever I see myself, I wish I was a different person. Classic and boring stuff. Grass is always greener. But probably if I wasn't this whiny and artsy and whatever, I wouldn't give my parents so much burden.

This is exactly why I sometimes hate seeing Pyrrha Alexandra, and whenever I play Soul Calibur V, I am so keen on beating her up because I see all the bad things about me in her. It's like a symbolism or some sort, you know. Beating your darkside? I guess. But yeah, the way she's so weak and reluctant, her lack of self confidence, being an older sister who can't stand up for her already ruined family? I hate that so much. The same reason why I've always loved her aunt instead. She's in the middle, having an older sister and a younger brother. She may not do things perfectly but her courage and determination is flawless. I've always see Cassandra is brighter than the dutiful Sophitia. Cassie is brave enough to fight against something, but because she has a good reason for it and she's always believe in what's best and that has to be achieved by your own effort. (whilst Patroklos is just a hotblooded jerk. Sorry Sophie, but after since you and your husband left, your children are now so messed up).

I've always wanted an audience, at least some little people who appreciates what I do. I did got them, I think I took them for granted just because my parents don't see my works like they do. Even if I show my works to my parents, if they don't like it, they just don't. And the way I made it, my annoying voice in the middle of the night, the mess I made after my drawings, me spending too much time indoors drawing, they hate all that. They despise it. That's what I see. They never want to see the outcome, they don't care because they never showed me or tell me. They just framed my okay paintings they asked me to do because the walls on our home still needs more decoration. When I did something I really like, they ignored it. I don't get it. Are parents like that for other artist? And why does this bugs me so much? Why does it consume and hurt my confidence so much? 

One of my closest best friend gave up her dreams to become an announcer because her family need her so bad. Her mom is single mom -- strongest lady I've ever seen, and she has a boutique in which my friend help tending. Her mom still needs my friend to run errands for her, drive for her, and she already has old-age sickness catching on her so my friend really can't leave her mom in case anything happens. The fact that her sisters are always arguing with each other doesn't help. My friend is accepted at this prestigious local news channel, but she has to be their resident announcer for at least 3 years. She gave it up just like that. I felt sorry for her but I can't blame her. But I don't know if I can be as brave or accepting like her. Okay, so my parents aren't sick or anything. Should I go grab my chance or do what they want me to do?

I don't know and the more I stay at home, the more my parents looking at me like some freeloading bum. I wanna achieve something, I've had my first step. I made albums, but they ignored me. Their approval meant so much for me, I think. I just---

I'm just sad that they just encouraging me or scolding me if I do something wrong, but they never even care about the outcome and it hurts so much. They never give me a "you did a good job, son" (okay, because if I put "daughter", it will be weird. If they want me to do something even bigger just to prove to them, I'm getting tired. I'm looping in this swirl of hell and I already got my confidence broke. Okay, so doesn't mean I'm not building it back. I got help from my best friends and that's awesome. But I wanna wake up for a moment where I don't got scold when I try to do something I consider right and achieve and artwork I want to make, and my parents appreciate me for that. I just want them to calm down and let me carve my own path.

Perhaps this is too much for a come back post and this is soooo whiny. But I just wanna let my heart out because it bugs me so damn much. I've tried talking to someone, but I think it's better that if I write it too because sometimes in writing you can say a lot more.

Whoever happens to read this, I hope you have a good day and thank you for listening (or reading). And for you who've had following my work, whether it's my visual art or my music, and you enjoy them, I thank you, thank you soooooo so much. I never meant to ignore whatever I'm doing but I've been holding this doubt for 7 months and I think it's getting unhealthier if I don't spill it out. I promise, to you and to myself, days will be better. I will overcome this. So thank you for the support and by this, MiuMiu World of Manzo is officially back again.

NOTIFY!

I think I will turn this blog into a more personal kind of stuff where I ramble and view the world from my eyes with elaborate opinions. All other stuff is on my tumblr.

Yay!

Fuckyeahmahasiswa's take on Gamer Guys (and my ramblings)

fuckyeahmahasiswa:

Jujur gue agak geli dengan pendapat salah seorang mahasiswa yang juga gamer tentang kisahnya atau entah temannya sesama gamer yang begitu susahnya dapat pacar idamannya. Gue ingin beropini sedikit boleh kan, toh tujuannya gue juga ingin menolong sobat gue yang notabene sesama mahasiswa dan gamer. :D
A. KENAPA PARA GAMERS JARANG DILIRIK CEWEK?
Memang tidak semua gamer punya talenta bermacam-macam. Belum tentu seorang gamer yang jago ngegame bisa main musik. Belum tentu juga jago olahraga. Tapi setidaknya di samping jago ngegame, pasti dia punya kelebihan yang lain kan yang menarik? Paling tidak selama hidup lo pasti adalah cewek yang tertarik dengan bakat lo selain main game. Kalau ngga ada sama sekali yang tertarik ya.. derita lo hehe :p
B. SEBAGIAN GAMERS ORANGNYA SETIA?
Ah ngga juga kok, titel seorang gamer bukanlah patokan tentang kesetiaan. Ngga ada hubungannya sama sekali sob. Gamer dibilang setia karena tiap hari kerjaannya di net, jarang jalan, kalau jalan paling cuma sama anak-anak net dan lo bilang pasti lo setia karena bakal JARANG KETEMU SAMA CEWEK, gitu kan?
Coba deh ditelaah lagi, tiap hari lo ngegame, nongkrong di net dan bahkan JARANG KETEMU CEWEK. Kalau lo sendiri jarang ketemu cewek gimana mau dapat pacar sob. Jadi ngga ada sejarahnya gamer bisa dikatakan setia karena cuma nongkrong di net dan ngga bakal selingkuh karena KETEMU CEWE AJA JARANG.

C. MENGENAI BEBERAPA ALASAN CEWEK TENTANG COWOK GAMERS

Gue bakal coba memaparkan dari dua sudut pandang sesuai yang gue alami, so sebisa mungkin gue netral ya.

1. Cewek bilang: Cowok gamer lebih mentingin dunia game ketimbang ceweknya. | Lo bilang: Ngga juga tergantung pribadi masing-masing, ngga semuanya begitu. | gue bilang: Itu betul, semua laki-laki yang mampu berpikir secara dewasa pasti tahu yang namanya membuat PRIORITAS.
2. Cewek bilang: Cowok gamer suka ngabisin duit main game terus. | Lo bilang: Selama ngga pake uang cewek ngga apa | gue bilang: Memang betul selama ngga pake uang si cewek ngga apa, tapi kalau pake waktu si cewek cuma buat nemenin lo? Apa mereka mau? Gue sendiri juga ogah berjalan berlama-lama nganterin belanja cewek gue, makanya ngga heran kalau banyak laki-laki entah itu masih pacaran atau udah nikah, tiap ada kesempatan maka lebih milih duduk daripada berdiri jalan-jalan ikut muter-muter cari barang ini itu :p
3. Cewek bilang: Rata-rata cowok gamer dianggap cupu kan maksudnya. | Lo bilang: Ngga semuanya begitu. | gue bilang: Pendapat tersebut sama aja seperti pendapat kalau “SEMUA GAMER COWOK ITU SETIA”. So, lo udah tahu jawabannya tanpa gue perlu ngejelasin lagi kan?
4. Cewek bilang: Cowok gamer jarang mandi karena keranjingan naikin level (atau intinya keranjingan ngegame). | Lo bilang: Ini bener. | gue bilang: Si cewek berhak ngga mau sama cowok gamer, gue sendiri juga ngga mau lihat cewek gue jarang mandi lalu jalan bareng gue.
5. Cewek bilang: Cowok gamer rata-rata perokok. | Lo bilang: Rata-rata, ngga semuanya begitu. | gue bilang: Lagi-lagi pernyataan yang sama sekali ngga berdasar. No need further explanation.
6. Cewek bilang: Tidak memperhatikan dunia luar, intinya jarang gaul. | Lo bilang: Ngga selamanya di depan kompi terus, bisa buta ini mata. | gue bilang: Balik lagi apa para cowok gamer itu bisa menentukan PRIORITAS atau tidak. Oke, ngga selamanya di depan kompi terus karena memang ngga baik juga untuk kesehatan (ngga cuma mata), tapi setelah itu ngapain? Lebih milih hangout bareng temen-temen sesama gamer yang mungkin notabene kebanyakan cowok atau hangout asyik bareng temen-temen untuk ngajak kenalan cewek? Atau mungkin malah habis pulang ngegame langsung tidur di kosan? :p
7. Cewek bilang: Cowok gamer rata-rata suka cabut/bolos. | Lo bilang: ngga semuanya begitu, asal bolos tapi tetep bisa ngikutin pelajaran ngga masalah. | gue bilang: Hanya cowok yang masih SD/SMP/SMA yang masih berpikiran seperti itu. Lo udah mahasiswa bro, udah gede. Saatnya merubah pola pikir. Hidup lo ngga cuma ngegame. Kecuali lo memang kerja di perusahaan game :p
8. Cewek bilang: Takut disaingin/diduakan ama game. | Lo bilang: Gamer rela ninggalin game demi ceweknya (walau susah). | gue bilang: Kata-kata walau susah nunjukin kalau PRIORITAS lo masih buat game. So ya bener si cewek. Gue juga ngga mau berlama-lama ditinggal nyalon sama cewek gue :p

Soal pendapat yang gue quote:

“kita aja bisa setia ama komputer dari pagi ampe ketemu pagi, kenapa sama cewek ga??? btul khan??”.saya hanya mewakili hati dri anak” gamer’s di Indonesia”

Itu betul-betul salah besar. Jangan analogikan cewek dengan game/komputer. Cewek punya perasaan terlebih lagi cewek makhluk perasa, bukan seperti cowok yang berpikir dengan logika. Ngga ada kan komputer yang lo tinggalin lalu bakal protes marah-marah? :p

Mungkin inti dari pendapat gue di atas adalah don’t be selfish, terlebih lagi lo sodara gue sesama cowok, sesama gamer juga. Gue pengen lo juga bisa ngertiin cewek (tentunya yang cewek juga nantinya bisa ngertiin cowok lho ya :p)

Semoga tulisan gue di atas dapat bermanfaat buat sodara gue sesama cowok, sesama gamer, sebangsa dan setanah air. Goodluck bray, semoga kalian bisa menemukan cewek idaman kalian. :D

Whoa. This is a very hurtfully true post, man. Salute.

I have some awesome gamer guy friends who totally defies those things described above. For me personally, sometimes it is the girl who fail to take perspective in the whole video game thing. Whether they just being naggy and complain-y or the she might the one who's being selfish in the relationship.

My best friend is going out with this gamer guy. The fact that he plays video game didn't bother my best friend at all. In fact, they exchange games. One time he was stuck on Plants vs Zombies (after avidly playing like crazy for hours) and had my best friend (who already aced the game) for help. And my best friend isn't an avid gamer at all. She knows full well that games are for fun and the game helps her and her boyfriend bonds. Even her friends got to bond with the boyfriend with it.

Mom is that kind of complainer/naggy woman that always worries on almost anything, even small ones. My mom complains a lot to my Dad for staying up playing video game for hours. My brother and I defend my Dad if Mom complains too much about Dad playing games. Because she's not supposed to worry about anything. My Dad is a good family man, a good social person, and when he's home, sitting down playing game for hours, that's his children's bonding time with him. One time when Mom brought this up to family discussion, my Dad just laughed and said "You should know how thrilling and exciting to finish a game. It's very fun and it gets you curious. Maybe you should try playing sometimes and see how very challenging to finish one level".

So yeah. Come on, girls. Game isn't a bad thing. You could take advantage from it. It's fun. In fact, join the fun. Jump to the bandwagon. Playing game doesn't mean it forever take your soul. I think one of the point that should be taken note of to fix this problem is a girl has to open her mind and be wise enough to see game as a refreshing outlet rather than object of obsession.

I couldn't be more agree that a good gamer guy is the one that's responsible, mature enough to organize his priority. And I found those traits on my gamer guy friends I know, including my Dad. So if girls specifically avoid "gamer guy", I find that the term to stereotyping.

I think the ones who face this kind of relationship problem (which the ones that most girls avoid) are these socially awkward geeky hardcore gamer kind. There are some of course and I do know some, but compare to the mature and responsible gamer kind, it's not that many. The thing is once people get to know us as gamer, we are judged as this kind of gamer. It's not always like that. Maybe they hold up a too distinct public image so it affects other gamers to the point they're judged as such.
One other problem is also that these socially awkward geeky hardcore gamer tend to set their standards too high. Perhaps because they played too much game with too many inhumanly perfect virtual girls turns their standard biased. They will go out and yell "I want a normal, non-gamer, hot and pretty girl who can relate with me!" while they have no other hobbies except gaming. Well yeah, good luck looking for that. ....And I did mention that they socially awkward, right? Well of course girl alienates these kind of guys.

Once again, I agree what this guy is saying and I salute it as a gamer myself. But I think this is not directed to gamer guys in general, but perhaps more likely to the socially awkward geeky hardcore gamer kind... Because not all gamer guys are like that. In fact, most of them have shown to be a responsible and mature guy a girl can relay.

So yeah. Game isn't that bad everyone. Let's just open our mind a little bit and put aside the judgement. That goes for the girls and for the geeky geeky gamer fellows who's having a hard time looking for girls.

((And fyi, being an avid gamer girl is harder. Aside you are judged, either you're not attractive enough, or dating you makes the guy feels like he's dating his own brother. Short to say, we share the "unprettiness" of the world somehow.))

Cover Song Album Collection

YAY! FINALLY I GOT ONE ALBUM DONE. \(´∀`)/

It's a cover song album and estimated done time is somewhere in the middle of June. All songs will be freely downloadable. Well it isn't actually an album, more like a compilation set that you can download (wait, isn't that just the same?) Oh well. Either way, finally I can give a proper "portfolio" of my song works. owo

Songs included will be:

1.) Finn's Baby Song (Adventure Time OST)
2.) Yume de Owarasenai (Fumitaka Fuchigami, Biohazard OST)
3.) Thinking of You (Katy Perry)
4.) Private Emotion (The Hooters, made famous by Ricky Martin and Meja)
5.) At Your Side (Japanese rendition, The Corrs)
6.) Stargazer (Paloma Faith)
7.) Lovesong (The Cure, melody based on Adele's version)
8.) Okaeri wa Kochira (Rekka Katakiri and Hirota Yoshitaka)
9.) CHOCOLAT (TCY Force featuring Mariya Ise, Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt OST)
10.) Gemini (Dixie P featuring Kagamine Twins)
11.) Look to the Sky (Sota Fujimori)

Probably I'll post some to YouTube... The problem now is, how am I gonna get myself draw for the videos.

TONIGHT, IF THE WINNER IS....

Finland - I'll try to save the planet for one week

Bosnia and Herzegovina - Worth the applause

Denmark - Congratulate Denmark like always

Lithuania - Cry and rejoice

Hungary - Worth the applause

Ireland - Draw a twincest doujin of John and Edward involving Lipstick

Sweden - POPULAR WILL BE ON MY PLAYLIST FOR ONE MONTH, I'LL FORCE CONTAMINATE IT TO MY FRIENDS, I'LL HAVE SWEDISH MEATBALLS FOR ONE WEEK, AND BRAG TO RANDOM PEOPLE HOW I WILL BE POPULAR AND HOW MY BODY WANTS THEM AND I WILL GET THEM IF I'M POPULAR.

Estonia - I'll cover an Indonesian song with similar flavor

Greece - Congratulate Greece for actually not putting something alay and win

Russia - I'll sip vodka for the next day and force this song to Depe

France - Cry and rejoice

Italy - Cry and rejoice

Switzerland - Cover this song with 9091

UK - Rejoice for Blue

Moldova - O____O

Germany - Grab a caramel popcorn and watch people gush about Lena, AGAIN

Romania - Worth the applause

Austria - Cry and rejoice

Azerbaijan - Worth the applause

Slovenia - Worth the applause

Iceland - Worth the applause

Spain - REJOICE and use the song as slumber party theme this Summer

Ukraine - Worth the applause

Serbia - Rejoice and scream MOEEEEE

For sure, any winner will receive cupcakes with their flag this Summer. Probably not directly given to them but yeah, cupcakes dedicated to winner will still be made.
Regardless how corny the winner is.

Aya and Kyle got shot while I play semi-fitting music

Toying with iMovie.
Childhood screwed forever, might take it up to eleven...