So, this blog stopped posting... Around October or November 2011. So it's exactly one year! Yay! And a lot of things happened to me by then. I went through my hell of a final year in college, I got immersed in tumblr madness (which documented most of my activities during 2012), I tried to brave myself doing covers on YouTube and it got me to the brony musician fandom. It let me to met some great, fun bunch. Some may think otherwise but they were the best people I bumped in online community, I graduated with average score which devastate me a lot. I haven't been mentally well for the past years, mostly from the stress of internship and thesis for final years and I have to juggle that student kind of life and death situation. I think I repressed me to the point that I didn't give my best academic wise. But let bygones be bygones now, I have a different problem.
What I enjoy the most is being artsy of course but... I don't think my parents want that. I talked to my best friend's Mom who never had an artist-pursuing children or artist family so the path I took kinda confuses her as well but when I talked to her it kinda give me an insight of what my parents want from me. An ordinary desk office woman, who goes to work from 9 and home by 6. I'm pretty sure that's what they want from me because that's what they see in their other children. Me? I want to publish my artwork. They don't seem to... I don't know. They gave me ideas and tell me to do things, but then... They tell me the exact opposite. It's confusing. It has been going for years. One of the reason I took Arts Management course is to ease their worry, so if I'm not gonna work as an artist, I can still have that desk job.
I came to have no guts and confidence over my artistic skills and mostly I'm so afraid because if I fail, my parents are gonna blame me. Sometimes I do wish I was more like my cousins. They became actual doctors, vet, police officer, lawyer, or at least have a desk job. I know other people aren't that perfect but whenever I see myself, I wish I was a different person. Classic and boring stuff. Grass is always greener. But probably if I wasn't this whiny and artsy and whatever, I wouldn't give my parents so much burden.
This is exactly why I sometimes hate seeing Pyrrha Alexandra, and whenever I play Soul Calibur V, I am so keen on beating her up because I see all the bad things about me in her. It's like a symbolism or some sort, you know. Beating your darkside? I guess. But yeah, the way she's so weak and reluctant, her lack of self confidence, being an older sister who can't stand up for her already ruined family? I hate that so much. The same reason why I've always loved her aunt instead. She's in the middle, having an older sister and a younger brother. She may not do things perfectly but her courage and determination is flawless. I've always see Cassandra is brighter than the dutiful Sophitia. Cassie is brave enough to fight against something, but because she has a good reason for it and she's always believe in what's best and that has to be achieved by your own effort. (whilst Patroklos is just a hotblooded jerk. Sorry Sophie, but after since you and your husband left, your children are now so messed up).
I've always wanted an audience, at least some little people who appreciates what I do. I did got them, I think I took them for granted just because my parents don't see my works like they do. Even if I show my works to my parents, if they don't like it, they just don't. And the way I made it, my annoying voice in the middle of the night, the mess I made after my drawings, me spending too much time indoors drawing, they hate all that. They despise it. That's what I see. They never want to see the outcome, they don't care because they never showed me or tell me. They just framed my okay paintings they asked me to do because the walls on our home still needs more decoration. When I did something I really like, they ignored it. I don't get it. Are parents like that for other artist? And why does this bugs me so much? Why does it consume and hurt my confidence so much?
One of my closest best friend gave up her dreams to become an announcer because her family need her so bad. Her mom is single mom -- strongest lady I've ever seen, and she has a boutique in which my friend help tending. Her mom still needs my friend to run errands for her, drive for her, and she already has old-age sickness catching on her so my friend really can't leave her mom in case anything happens. The fact that her sisters are always arguing with each other doesn't help. My friend is accepted at this prestigious local news channel, but she has to be their resident announcer for at least 3 years. She gave it up just like that. I felt sorry for her but I can't blame her. But I don't know if I can be as brave or accepting like her. Okay, so my parents aren't sick or anything. Should I go grab my chance or do what they want me to do?
I don't know and the more I stay at home, the more my parents looking at me like some freeloading bum. I wanna achieve something, I've had my first step. I made albums, but they ignored me. Their approval meant so much for me, I think. I just---
I'm just sad that they just encouraging me or scolding me if I do something wrong, but they never even care about the outcome and it hurts so much. They never give me a "you did a good job, son" (okay, because if I put "daughter", it will be weird. If they want me to do something even bigger just to prove to them, I'm getting tired. I'm looping in this swirl of hell and I already got my confidence broke. Okay, so doesn't mean I'm not building it back. I got help from my best friends and that's awesome. But I wanna wake up for a moment where I don't got scold when I try to do something I consider right and achieve and artwork I want to make, and my parents appreciate me for that. I just want them to calm down and let me carve my own path.
Perhaps this is too much for a come back post and this is soooo whiny. But I just wanna let my heart out because it bugs me so damn much. I've tried talking to someone, but I think it's better that if I write it too because sometimes in writing you can say a lot more.
Whoever happens to read this, I hope you have a good day and thank you for listening (or reading). And for you who've had following my work, whether it's my visual art or my music, and you enjoy them, I thank you, thank you soooooo so much. I never meant to ignore whatever I'm doing but I've been holding this doubt for 7 months and I think it's getting unhealthier if I don't spill it out. I promise, to you and to myself, days will be better. I will overcome this. So thank you for the support and by this, MiuMiu World of Manzo is officially back again.
